Damn it, I was you, when I was ‘just’ a mother, and I hated that I was. Nowadays I’m a grandmother, and a FUN one. As you will be too. Because it’s easy to be FUN when you don’t have the cares of the world on you, and you are the one with all the chores and the planning and the scheduling and the food-cooking and the homework supervising and… and… Your FUN years are waiting for you.
I must admit I love the akebia. Re children, the ‘fun’ parents are very often the ones who are ignoring their little darlings’ antics when people around them are cursing because of the uncontrolled noise and running about when actually you’d quite like to enjoy your meal out as well thank you very much. It’s about respect for others I think, and the hose incident, well if it’s damaged that’s wasteful and would need replacing. I get the guilt though.
The Akebia is getting a lot of love from my dear substack friends! And yes I completely agree re respect…I think for me it’s more about enjoying momentary bliss rather than always thinking about ‘the next thing’
A lovely read for the start of the week, my sons now grown up and left home. I do understand that feeling though, I shouted a lot, but it doesn’t seem to have affected them they are lovely young men. I made an effort doing all the fun mummy things when they were young and they have no recollection of them 😂 but they know they are loved 🥰 the akebia is suttle, don’t dislike it Have a good week X
I’m not sure it’s necessary to be a fun mum. What is required is to make your children feel loved and safe. I think children need boundaries. I had 6 children, don’t feel I was a fun mum- but they’ve all turned to be wonderful people I have a great relationship with.
Go gently on yourself. Your children will remember feeling loved most of all. There’ll be loads of ways for them to experience fun, and maybe as they age you’ll have different ways of sharing fun times that will be good for you. Personality transplants might seem like a good thing but really, I think savouring ourselves the way we are and making different contributions is something to be celebrated.
It is so comforting to read other people also don't regard themselves as the fun mother!! I too am not the fun mother. I am not one for playing games very often, I can't stand kicking a ball around. Thank goodness for their daddy! I don't like crafting (I don't mind them doing it but I will not be joining in). I am unbelievably fussy about things I really wish I would let go, I get cross when I don't mean to or need to be. I am also always working, always attached to a computer or phone. I hate that. But I am the maker of meals they adore, the purchaser of pastries for breakfast in the supermarket on a Saturday morning (not sure how this started but they love it so why not!), the one they want cuddles with and pour open their hearts to when they are feeling anxious or upset, the one they want to sit with and do a sudoku puzzle or read a book with (I mean - homework but at least they want to do it with me!). They may not be the most fun things - but they are good things. And I have to remember that fun isn't everything! However much I wish I too was more fun and spontaneous...
I am in the throes of small children, four and two, and find myself thinking of the thoughts you have written about. Something that has helped me is to decide what my non-
are - and stick to those, and then ‘try’ to be more relaxed about the rest. I am not always successful but when I am, I feel like it is a win. The thing that gives me comfort, and at the risk of sounding very millennial-parent, I often comfort myself with the thought that I am the right parent for my particular children and as long as their overall impression of childhood is one of love and safety then I am doing okay.
SO MANY THOUGHTS about this! I love it. And I know exactly what you mean about us vs our chilled and fun mothers. If I had a friend to stay, my mother would wake us up for a midnight feast. I have never done this. But I do have one solution: a rubber egg. I keep mine in the egg bowl, and every now and again, or maybe every morning, take two out plus joke egg and ask my son if he wants two or three eggs for breakfast, and then pretend to have dropped an egg. His look of shock is hilarious to me and it's not long (after I've repeated this joke six times, say, weeping with laughter every time) before he's begging me not to be a fun mother anymore.
My efforts at being a 'fun mother' were so funny awful (camping in a howling gale; making a table full of 9 year olds wait 45 minutes for pizza till they were all kicking each other and crying; completely taking over any crafting activities and becoming dementedly obsessed with perfection), that I gave up (also parks, ugh). She forgave me. I think the main thing is to love them. We have a lot more fun now she is older. And I quite like the plant.
I was never a fun mother either. The worst was when my children had friends over, urgh the chaos, noise, mess!!! Having to pretend really hard that none of this bothered me when I just wanted to hide in a corner.
Thankfully I can report that even though my (now grown up) are fully aware I'm very... particular about things they seem to have good memories of their childhood.
They remember afternoon tea on a Friday afternoons after school (happened only a handful of times). They remember Easter egg hunts and cherry picking with their friends (both only happened once), Day trips to Blenheim palace (we had membership for only one year), ice creams everyday whilst on holiday (okay this one happened the most, an easy win, but was down to my husband as I would never have allowed that much sugar - I'm too boring).
So you get the idea I hope, they remember the highlight reel not the grumpy mummy moments.
I rather love your akebia, reminds me of those little jellyfish.
Yes. Ice cream is an easy win! You are excellent. And yes, when I think about my childhood I remember only the best bits, which, annoyingly is making me feel like I’m the provider of a sub-par childhood when of course I am not. Thank you Nicki
I'm not sure that I was a particularly fun mother either. But my son doesn't seem to have suffered so don’t beat yourself up about it. I think the akebia quinata is beautiful. Please don't dig it up.
I think I’ll just have to come back as a fun mother after I’ve gone. Akebia is safe - it took so long to get to this stage I think I will have to brainwash myself that I love it!
I love the colour of the vine flowers. Can you have both? Aubergine would look good with it. I so know what you mean about fun mum. Could be me speaking.
Oh Laetitia I am so this person too. I wish I was more fun, but am not. I do not know how to be more fun. I really, really felt this post to the point of bringing a tear to my eye (that might be my over tired nature though). Thank you for saying these things xx
We can only do our best, and I’m not sure that feeling ashamed can help, unless one’s character is particularly well evolved! I do think, though, that however much we try, we cannot control others’ memories and perceptions. That is none of our business. Good intentions have to be enough sometimes, and as my mother continually reminds me “You only have to be good ENOUGH”. Love to both of you x
I was the same. 4 children and no grandparents to give me a day off. I did my best but I'm not proud of my efforts. Now my kids are all grown up and the two with children seem to be making a much better job than I did. Makes me feel ashamed.
I guess these things also look different from the outside compared to in. I’ve only got the one child so far, but a super intense NHS job and not enough “free time” to keep on top of it all. My child seems happy, but I guess I just wish I got to be happy with him more. But who would do the laundry/buy food/remember the birthday parties?
I was never a fun Mum but I am there for my children every step of the way, and they know that, which is the most important thing to me. Oh and they laugh at me not with me - which I guess is a kind of fun!
Damn it, I was you, when I was ‘just’ a mother, and I hated that I was. Nowadays I’m a grandmother, and a FUN one. As you will be too. Because it’s easy to be FUN when you don’t have the cares of the world on you, and you are the one with all the chores and the planning and the scheduling and the food-cooking and the homework supervising and… and… Your FUN years are waiting for you.
I LOVE YOU LESLEY 🩷
I'd second that!
I love this ☺️
I am most definitely not a fun mother either. My husband on the other hand is the fun dad. It’s really annoying.
SAME
Me raising my hand
Let's sit together
I must admit I love the akebia. Re children, the ‘fun’ parents are very often the ones who are ignoring their little darlings’ antics when people around them are cursing because of the uncontrolled noise and running about when actually you’d quite like to enjoy your meal out as well thank you very much. It’s about respect for others I think, and the hose incident, well if it’s damaged that’s wasteful and would need replacing. I get the guilt though.
The Akebia is getting a lot of love from my dear substack friends! And yes I completely agree re respect…I think for me it’s more about enjoying momentary bliss rather than always thinking about ‘the next thing’
A lovely read for the start of the week, my sons now grown up and left home. I do understand that feeling though, I shouted a lot, but it doesn’t seem to have affected them they are lovely young men. I made an effort doing all the fun mummy things when they were young and they have no recollection of them 😂 but they know they are loved 🥰 the akebia is suttle, don’t dislike it Have a good week X
Thank you Sarah - I’m definitely keeping it for now as it’s taken so long to become this abundant!
I’m not sure it’s necessary to be a fun mum. What is required is to make your children feel loved and safe. I think children need boundaries. I had 6 children, don’t feel I was a fun mum- but they’ve all turned to be wonderful people I have a great relationship with.
Love this. Thank you
Go gently on yourself. Your children will remember feeling loved most of all. There’ll be loads of ways for them to experience fun, and maybe as they age you’ll have different ways of sharing fun times that will be good for you. Personality transplants might seem like a good thing but really, I think savouring ourselves the way we are and making different contributions is something to be celebrated.
Yes THIS
It is so comforting to read other people also don't regard themselves as the fun mother!! I too am not the fun mother. I am not one for playing games very often, I can't stand kicking a ball around. Thank goodness for their daddy! I don't like crafting (I don't mind them doing it but I will not be joining in). I am unbelievably fussy about things I really wish I would let go, I get cross when I don't mean to or need to be. I am also always working, always attached to a computer or phone. I hate that. But I am the maker of meals they adore, the purchaser of pastries for breakfast in the supermarket on a Saturday morning (not sure how this started but they love it so why not!), the one they want cuddles with and pour open their hearts to when they are feeling anxious or upset, the one they want to sit with and do a sudoku puzzle or read a book with (I mean - homework but at least they want to do it with me!). They may not be the most fun things - but they are good things. And I have to remember that fun isn't everything! However much I wish I too was more fun and spontaneous...
I want to move in.
I am in the throes of small children, four and two, and find myself thinking of the thoughts you have written about. Something that has helped me is to decide what my non-
are - and stick to those, and then ‘try’ to be more relaxed about the rest. I am not always successful but when I am, I feel like it is a win. The thing that gives me comfort, and at the risk of sounding very millennial-parent, I often comfort myself with the thought that I am the right parent for my particular children and as long as their overall impression of childhood is one of love and safety then I am doing okay.
I think some of this message got lost, but I LIKE your 'right parent, right child' thing...it reminds me of 'right plant, right place'
SO MANY THOUGHTS about this! I love it. And I know exactly what you mean about us vs our chilled and fun mothers. If I had a friend to stay, my mother would wake us up for a midnight feast. I have never done this. But I do have one solution: a rubber egg. I keep mine in the egg bowl, and every now and again, or maybe every morning, take two out plus joke egg and ask my son if he wants two or three eggs for breakfast, and then pretend to have dropped an egg. His look of shock is hilarious to me and it's not long (after I've repeated this joke six times, say, weeping with laughter every time) before he's begging me not to be a fun mother anymore.
You are EXCELLENT I LOVE the rubber egg!
You will never have had more fun in your life. I truly believe it will be my only lasting legacy as a mother.
I used to have one of those and did exactly the same joke when the kids were smaller. Absolutely hilarious. Am laughing out loud remembering. 🤣🥚
My efforts at being a 'fun mother' were so funny awful (camping in a howling gale; making a table full of 9 year olds wait 45 minutes for pizza till they were all kicking each other and crying; completely taking over any crafting activities and becoming dementedly obsessed with perfection), that I gave up (also parks, ugh). She forgave me. I think the main thing is to love them. We have a lot more fun now she is older. And I quite like the plant.
We gave away our family tent (unused) yesterday and it felt like an albatross had been removed from my neck
I had borrowed one, and I broke it...
I was never a fun mother either. The worst was when my children had friends over, urgh the chaos, noise, mess!!! Having to pretend really hard that none of this bothered me when I just wanted to hide in a corner.
Thankfully I can report that even though my (now grown up) are fully aware I'm very... particular about things they seem to have good memories of their childhood.
They remember afternoon tea on a Friday afternoons after school (happened only a handful of times). They remember Easter egg hunts and cherry picking with their friends (both only happened once), Day trips to Blenheim palace (we had membership for only one year), ice creams everyday whilst on holiday (okay this one happened the most, an easy win, but was down to my husband as I would never have allowed that much sugar - I'm too boring).
So you get the idea I hope, they remember the highlight reel not the grumpy mummy moments.
I rather love your akebia, reminds me of those little jellyfish.
Yes. Ice cream is an easy win! You are excellent. And yes, when I think about my childhood I remember only the best bits, which, annoyingly is making me feel like I’m the provider of a sub-par childhood when of course I am not. Thank you Nicki
I'm not sure that I was a particularly fun mother either. But my son doesn't seem to have suffered so don’t beat yourself up about it. I think the akebia quinata is beautiful. Please don't dig it up.
I think I’ll just have to come back as a fun mother after I’ve gone. Akebia is safe - it took so long to get to this stage I think I will have to brainwash myself that I love it!
I love the colour of the vine flowers. Can you have both? Aubergine would look good with it. I so know what you mean about fun mum. Could be me speaking.
I definitely know I’m not alone…perhaps even the actual fun mums feel this way!
Oh Laetitia I am so this person too. I wish I was more fun, but am not. I do not know how to be more fun. I really, really felt this post to the point of bringing a tear to my eye (that might be my over tired nature though). Thank you for saying these things xx
We can only do our best, and I’m not sure that feeling ashamed can help, unless one’s character is particularly well evolved! I do think, though, that however much we try, we cannot control others’ memories and perceptions. That is none of our business. Good intentions have to be enough sometimes, and as my mother continually reminds me “You only have to be good ENOUGH”. Love to both of you x
Hello Rachel
I was the same. 4 children and no grandparents to give me a day off. I did my best but I'm not proud of my efforts. Now my kids are all grown up and the two with children seem to be making a much better job than I did. Makes me feel ashamed.
I guess these things also look different from the outside compared to in. I’ve only got the one child so far, but a super intense NHS job and not enough “free time” to keep on top of it all. My child seems happy, but I guess I just wish I got to be happy with him more. But who would do the laundry/buy food/remember the birthday parties?
I was never a fun Mum but I am there for my children every step of the way, and they know that, which is the most important thing to me. Oh and they laugh at me not with me - which I guess is a kind of fun!
Just wonderful to have another read that is so LAETITIA. Thank you. 'twenty minutes alone' is such a precious thing isn't it
I mean… FIVE will do!
It's like you read my mind re the fun mother - I'm EXACTLY the same!
I think there may be more than a few of us