Rotterspeak

Bad words my husband says

I think I am allergic to a very specific set of jargon. The way the police, for example, use the word ‘vehicle’ or ‘female’ or ‘road traffic accident’ makes my flesh creep. You can see it must be taught from day one…quite young officers saying things like: “We detained the female’ as if this were a normal way to talk. Anyway, my Rotter has his very own jargon. I can’t completely put my finger on why these words are so offensive to me…perhaps because many of them come from worlds I don’t frequent or understand (engineering, tech) but then I’m completely non-plussed by law, or wine, and none of that language makes me queasy. I wonder if other people get the ick when I say something like ‘glaucous’ or ‘perennial’?

Anyway, here are some of the offensive words. Tell me what you think. Am I unwell with some sort of word phobia? Should I seek help? Or do you agree with me that all these words should be erased and banished?

Here are just some of the worst offending words, in no particular order.

Gantry. Oh how I loathe this word. Apparently a ‘gantry’ is one of those hideous things that hold the signs over a motorway. It is quite extraordinary how often this word is used, in passing, on journeys (and in the home, just to annoy me).

Catenery. This horrible word describes another scaffold-like structure that goes up over a railway track. Why on earth should I ever hear this word? Revolting.

Lanyard. A piece of polyester ribbon that is supposed to be worn around your neck, with something attached to it, like a label, or keys. Why is there a word for this? And why is it used? The thing is disgusting, and the word is also disgusting. Sorry. The Rotter has a peculiar affection for lanyards, He gleefully attaches keys to them, but worse, he uses the word when he’s looking for the key: “Where’s the green lanyard?” he will shout.

Penninsula. Specifically with reference to Barnes (which is a suburb of West London). The Rotter often goes running along the river and when he comes back, he will usually reference ‘The Barnes Peninsula’. He has an armoury of geographical terms that he uses often, purely to piss me off. I can’t list them all, but this one was particularly bad, so it deserves a mention here.

See also…

Ridge. I don’t know why this is so awful…it’s just a term to describe bit of rock between mountains (I think?) but when we are in or near mountains, or often just walking, in sight of hills, this word is scattered, like pigeon droppings.

Carabiner. Gross. Just say clip.

Maths and tech words. These offending words are often used when he’s on the phone. They are truly horrific. Here are just a few of them:

Delta. He uses this word to denote the difference between one number and another. I’ve actually had to look this up and its mathematical meaning is ‘variation of a variable or function’. I would love it if he wasn’t using it correctly but I think he probably is. “What’s the delta?” Terrible. Hate it.

Function. I mean…I hate the word function….yuck. If there is a word that gets the prize for awful it’s this one. It easily trumps ‘moist’ (which I don’t really understand the aversion to). What’s the difference between a function and a party? The Rotter uses ‘function’ mathematically or theoretically; eg a number or an outcome being a ‘function’ of something else. Intense nausea.

Value. The ‘a’ of this word is often elongated for effect; “Vaaaalue”. This word has now bled out of the office and into our daily lives. “Where’s the value in that?” is often used when I want to paint a wall, or buy, for example, a cushion.

Data centre. Stop. Go away.

Document architecture. Why?

Ethernet. Does anyone actually know what this is? The Rotter seems to know a lot about it. He talks about it a LOT. He also has a large number of wires that are apparently ‘Ethernet cables’. These wires sit in cupboards, and under sofas, and they peek sorrowfully out drawers. They need to go away and die.

I could go on but I have to shower now.

Back soon with all the gorgeous things that are appearing in the garden!

x Laetitia

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